I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
