I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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