You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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