my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
