I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
