there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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