Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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