My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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