Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
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