The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize