If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
