Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
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please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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