I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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