it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
