Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
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they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
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You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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