and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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