If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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