one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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