And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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