i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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