I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.