At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.