You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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