I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.