I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
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hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
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I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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