Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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