He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
