you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
