i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
