I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
