Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
She told me I should be a condom model.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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