So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize