I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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