I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
