Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Houston, we have a squirter
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
