It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
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I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
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It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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