she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Randomize
