Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
did i just pee glitter
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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