i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
