Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
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