Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
