First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
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