I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
