It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Randomize
