it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
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he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
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They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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