Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
