I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
