Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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