I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
