sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
