just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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