Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Randomize
