Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
