Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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