You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
