I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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