The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
