I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
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